Last Days
by Aiffe
Summary: A pregnant Rose Quartz tries to mend what she's broken, and leave behind what can't be mended. Implied polygems but focusing on Rose/Garnet.


Rose Quartz lay on the beach, feeling the shifting grains of sand between her toes, smelling the sun-bleached salt brine, almost blinded by the sun reflecting off every surface, a thousand facets in the sea, filling her pink gem with light where it rested in the swollen curve of her belly that was almost the same shape as the horizon of the sea. Even at a simple, peaceful moment like this, she thought, the world could be almost too much to take in, too much beauty to bear. She'd sometimes forgotten to notice that. But her decision was made, and her time was running out, and she'd lived more in these last eight months than in the last eight thousand years. Everything on Earth happened so fast—and now she was racing along with it, hurtling through the atmosphere like a comet, burning herself up for the warmth and the glow.

A human woman came walking towards her, a small child in tow, an infant in her arms. Rose didn't recognize her, but got up and introduced herself to her. The woman—Susie, she learned—was welcoming, trusting. Humans were like that towards her now that she was pregnant. Looking just different enough as she did, she'd gotten a lot of different reactions in human history, from terror to worship. Love was rarer, more precious. But this kind of open trust and acceptance was new. Rose liked it. Susie had freckles—freckles!—and Rose thought, _I could fall in love with her_ , even though she didn't know her at all. But there wasn't time. The list of things she would have time to love was growing so short.

Susie asked how far along she was, and Rose told her. "Your first?" she asked.

"Yes," Rose answered. "I waited a very long time."

"Oh, you're still young," Susie said. "I love your hair!"

"Thank you," Rose said. "I love your freckles."

Susie blushed; Rose loved that too.

"Can I…can I hold your baby?" Rose asked.

Susie agreed to that, and passed the infant to her. Rose cradled the tiny, plump little thing. "How old is she?"

"Four months." The baby gurgled, smiling and drooling. "Hey, I think she likes you."

Rose smiled. "I like her, too." Feelings swirled in her, wonder and sorrow and excitement. "What's it like…?" she asked softly.

"Being a mom? It's…well, it's hard sometimes, but it's the best feeling in the world."

"Oh…I'm not going to get to be a mom," Rose said sadly. "It's impossible. We can't both exist. Gems aren't meant to reproduce like humans." Susie looked at her, surprised and confused. "I meant, what's it like to be a baby?" Rose continued. "That's the part that's scary and wonderful…to be so small and helpless, yet so trusting and full of genuine love…." She turned towards the infant again, fondly, but Susie was starting to look uncomfortable, so she returned her.

She could still smell the baby—baby powder and sunscreen and another scent, human but undeveloped, the thing that mothers would breathe in contentedly when they kissed their babies. The baby wore a tiny little hat, to protect it from the sun, and squirmed in her mother's arms, making little noises of weak protest. Her mother soothed her, and went to the toddler, who was playing with a stick. "Come on, sweetie."

Rose wasn't sure what Susie thought, that she was mentally ill, or if she believed her that she wasn't human. Either way, something had frightened her a little. Humans could be skittish creatures, avoiding what they didn't understand. It wasn't surprising, since they were wild animals, after all, and a single gem could conquer this entire world if she had a mind to. It only made it even more special when humans met her with curiosity instead of fear. Perhaps this woman would have too, in time, if she didn't have her children with her. That tended to make humans more wary.

They waved to her in a friendly sort of way and moved along down the beach, limned in gold from the sun. Rose folded her hands on her belly, and felt little Steven kick. A thrill went through her, and she looked out again over the sea, wondering how it would look through his eyes.

* * *

The temple was lonely. Pearl left as she arrived, and Amethyst was probably with Greg. She didn't know where Garnet was. She rested a bit. It was a shame they were avoiding her, especially since she had so little time. Did they really think she would change her mind now?

Eventually, it was Garnet who did show up and sit with her. They sat in silence for a few moments. Usually it was companionable, but lately that might be too much to hope for.

"I know what you're doing," Garnet said at length. "Amethyst may be too young and naïve, Pearl is too caught up in her own feelings, Greg is too human, but you can't fool me."

"I know," Rose said. "That's why you're my right-hand gem."

Garnet scowled. "This is selfish. Even for you."

"You…think I'm selfish?"

"That's what I just said, isn't it?"

"I'm giving up my entire self!"

"Don't play games with me, Rose Quartz. I know that isn't a sacrifice for you."

Rose smiled faintly. "You _would_ understand."

"Don't compare us."

"Aren't we both deviants? Oh, what would they say on Homeworld about _this_?"

"What you're doing isn't fusion."

"Isn't it, though?" She touched Garnet's cheek lovingly. "Remember when we were Rhodonite…."

"I could never forget it."

"I love fusing with you, Garnet. You're an _experience_."

Garnet pushed her hand away angrily. "Is that all fusion is to you."

"It's a little too late to ask me that. After I gave up _everything_ ," Rose said. "After I led hundreds of our friends to their deaths. It's a little too late to wonder if it was worth it now, Garnet."

"Then don't treat it like some…trivial amusement."

"I miss when it could be that. Don't you? Before everything…."

Garnet took her visor off. Her brows were furrowed. "Rose…."

"You do understand me, don't you," Rose said softly. "I just…I want to be new." Her hand crept back, this time twining with Garnet's.

"You won't be you anymore. Whatever Rose Quartz is, she'll die."

"Isn't that what Homeworld told Ruby and Sapphire? Loss of individual identity, ego death, unpredictable, violent euphoria—"

"It's not fusion, Rose. You're making something that's never been made before."

"You liked it the first time I did that."

Garnet shook her head, though her hand still held Rose's. "I can't believe I followed you then. You're too reckless."

"You believed in me. Believe in me now."

"I was so naïve then."

"You wouldn't do it all again?"

Garnet's expression was pained, tears welled in her eyes. "What choice would I have…."

Rose pulled her close, wiped away her tears, kissed her damp cheeks.

"I don't…want to be me anymore," Rose said, her voice sounding very soft and weak. "I want to be someone else, I want to forget. I don't want to have survived the war, I don't want to be a gem. I want…I want firsts again. First words, first love, first time seeing the sea. But to have those beginnings I need one more ending."

Garnet sniffed back tears against her hair. "This is what I get for letting you get bored. You've found some new forbidden thing to die for, and this time I can't follow you."

Rose sighed. "I'd hoped you would understand."

"I _do_ understand, Rose. And I can see the future that you're leaving behind. Greg thinks he's killed you. Pearl will realize once you're gone that in her hurt she lost the last few months with you she ever could have had, and she'll never forgive herself for that. Amethyst will act out, leave for a while…."

"And you?"

"I'll try to hold everything together."

"Thank you…."

"Don't thank me for that."

"I love you, Garnet."

"Rose…you taught me _how_ to love."

"Maybe you'll be the one to pass that along, to Steven. You know, it could be a whole new kind of love for us. The way a parent loves a child. I hope Steven will be loved like that. I hope someday he'll love like that. I saw it today. It was so vulnerable and so pure, the way a child rests in a mother's arms."

Rose let herself be guided into Garnet's lap, cradled by her despite her size. "I knew you were tired," Garnet said. "We all are. But, I didn't know you were _this_ tired."

"I just want…" Rose said, and breathed deep. "I want to want again, to really feel. Like I did when I was young."

"Was it that hard to love us? Did it wear you out…."

"No! Garnet, no…it's my fault! I don't have any more to give than this. I love you with all I have—all of you."

Garnet's tears fell, landing on Rose. How many times, in the battlefield, had it been the exact reverse of this—Rose Quartz clutching all her poor broken gems, her lachrymal essence healing them. But Garnet had no such power, and whatever was wrong with Rose, it seemed beyond all healing. Her tears were only tears.

"And you love everything else," Garnet said, her voice starting to break. "You love every drop of water in the sea. Sometimes it's hard to have them all for company."

"Yes…I'm sorry. At least you could understand it…that gives me some peace."

"Pearl doesn't know that about you. That you're more in love with the idea of loving everything than you could love any one of us at a time. I don't know what's worse, the way she's finding out, or that I already knew and I kept loving you anyway."

"Am I…really that bad…." Rose said, and saw the answer in Garnet's face. "Greg tried to tell me, all those years ago. That loving someone was torture. I don't know why I didn't understand it yet. I just…I hated to think that Homeworld was right."

Garnet stroked Rose's hair. "They weren't. It is torture…and I chose it. They couldn't see the value in that, but they miss the value in everything."

"Yes…but Pearl couldn't have, could she. Not if she didn't understand it. Oh Garnet…you two look after each other, when I'm gone."

"Don't. Don't give her to me like one of your cast-off toys. I already loved her."

"I know. I'm sorry. And Amethyst…I tried to tell her what I told Pearl, you know, after the war. But she didn't believe me. I couldn't heal her."

"Amethyst is stronger than you think. She's healing herself in a way that won't make her dependent on you."

"Not like Pearl, you mean," Rose said, her voice heavy with guilt. "But it's not good to be all alone either. And I don't just mean for Amethyst."

"I'm never alone."

"Garnet…." Rose said, her eyes brimming with tears that could heal, but couldn't heal this. "I know that Pearl needs me the most. And you….you know me the best. And that's why I'm more afraid of your opinion than of hers…if you hated me….."

"I don't hate you, Rose."

"Maybe not yet." She pulled Garnet's hands to her belly, to let her feel the baby kick. Garnet blinked, taking the strange sensation in.

"I won't be me anymore," Rose said, "and that's a good thing. It really is. But you _can_ be alone, Garnet, and you shouldn't be. I can't speak for Steven, because he isn't here yet…but somehow I feel sure he's going to love you."

"Your own sort of future vision?" Garnet asked.

"More like past vision. They're almost indistinguishable, after a while."

"There's never been anyone like Steven before."

"But you'll be the same." She drew Garnet's hands to her lips, and kissed each gem.

"Liar…no one's the same after knowing you."

Rose half-heartedly smiled. "The same and yet different. Nothing ever dies. You know that—when Ruby and Sapphire separate, you don't die, and they don't die when they become you. There are no endings in this world, only infinite beginnings. I just…I need to begin again. I need to start over. And I want you to be there with me when I do. Will you do that…."

Garnet sighed. "I always have, you know, and I always will."

Rose snuggled in closer, her face pressed to Garnet's belly. She wanted to ask Garnet if she would forgive her, but didn't want to ruin the moment. Garnet was brutally honest, and it was probably too soon for that. But it was all right. She focused on the tiny life floating in placental fluid, waiting to be born. Soon she would be blameless, unburdened, new.


End file.
